Friday, July 28, 2006

World's Longest (And Funniest) Personal Ads

In the early eighties, a direct response copywriter by the name of Gary Halbert wrote a personal ad to find a girlfriend. That ad made him famous, resulted in multiple interviews, a book deal and a movie script contract deal that later fell apart. The ad is really awesome and here it its.

Generous, Creative Businessman
Wants To Find A Hot, Sexy Woman

With A Good Sense Of Humor

Are you a soft, sexy, exciting lady who would

like to have a little taste of part-time paradise?

If so, read on.

My name is Gary and I am looking for a very
special woman who would like to share a few
small (but exciting!) adventures with me and who
wants to enjoy a part-time slice of the good life.
Are you that woman? Maybe. Maybe not. The
first thing it depends on is me. You see, if I'm not
your kind of guy, then what I have to offer may
not be your idea of how life should be lived.

So let's start with me. Here's what my life is
like. First of all, I'm an early riser. I usually get up
around 6 a.m. and eat a piece of fruit and drink
a cup of coffee, and then, on most days, by 6:30
a.m. I'm jogging around Lake Hollywood. How
far I run depends on how good I feel. It's never
less than three miles and seldom more than
seven. When I'm finished, I get into my car and
drive to a place I call "The House of Pain"
(actually the sign outside says Vince's Gym)
where a stone-age sadist who masquerades as
a fitness instructor forces me to use dumbbells,
barbells, and other fiendish contraptions in ways
for which my body was not designed.

Whatever. After about an hour of this, I travel
to yet another establishment where I give my
tired, hurting body a chance to recover while I
rest upon a UVA suntan bed and listen to
soothing music (usually Rod Stewart or Jimmy
Buffett) on a pair of stereo headphones.

By the time I am finished, it is approximately
9:45 a.m. and what I do next is go home,
shower, change into fresh clothes and eat a light

Finally, after all this, I go to work.

And boy, do I ever work! I love what I do for a
living, and, I must confess, I am truly a
workaholic. For example, right now I am
attempting to put together the financial and
promotional packages for 10 different feature
films. I am writing two books (one fiction and one
non-fiction). I am collaborating on a screenplay
and I am attending to the details of two
businesses I own personally, and also, to the
business details of several corporate and
personal clients whose names are household

It's quite a workload.

And what do I do after I stop working? What
is my big reward for all this running and grunting
and pumping iron and stretching and straining
and writing and thinking and solving and creating
and caring and so on?

Nothing, that's what! Nada. Zip. Not doodley
squat. No "Miller Time!" No drugs. No sex. No
rock and roll.

Not even a little wine and some quiet
classical music.

Why? The answer is simple. You see, for the
last 3-1/2 months, I have been spending my
evenings and weekends on a marathon of non-
stop sulking.

Why have I been sulking? Good question.
And, once again, the answer is simple. You see,
up until 3-1/2 months ago, my "Miller Time" was
terrific. It was terrific because there was a very
beautiful, very erotic, very special lady in my life
and we were in a relationship I thought would
last forever. But, that relationship has ended. It
has ended stupidly, tragically, and for insane
reasons totally beyond the ability of any human
to control.

Well, such is life. But what's done is done and
3-1/2 months worth of sulking is more than
enough for anyone and now it is time for me to
climb up out of my sulk and find myself another
special woman.

So why write an ad? Why do I have to
advertise for a woman? Am I some kind of geek
with two heads and bad breath?

No, I am not. I'm a reasonably attractive
(maybe even semi-handsome?) caucasian male
in his mid-forties with a sparkling personality
(except when I'm sulking), a keen wit, a steady
hand, and a clear eye. I've got a good tan, dark
brown hair and a short, neatly trimmed dark
brown beard with a couple of "interesting" spots
of grey. I am of average size. Not short, not tall,
not fat, not skinny. I'm in excellent health. I'm not
hurting for money and I can look any maitre de in
the country right square in the eye without flinching.

So once again, why do I have to advertise to
get a woman? Well, actually, I don't. I've been
married twice. I've had a few other serious
relationships and, of course, my share of one-
night stands and short-term romances. I've
enjoyed the company of a few really outstanding
ladies and I want to do so again.

But you know what else? I've also met many
ladies who were not so outstanding. In fact, I've
met more than a few women who, although they
had great exteriors, they were, on the inside, flat
out bummers!

Want some examples? You do? OK, you
asked for it. Try these out for size.

Zelda The Princess: Zelda is a 26-year-old
Jewish lady who waltzed into my office and
immediately informed me (before I even had a
chance to say hello) she wanted me to write an
ad for her and she wanted to go to bed with me.

Well, what the hell, on some days I'm a
pushover. She got what she wanted and I must
admit, she gave me one of the most thorough
screwings I've ever had in my life.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen in bed.

And, what happened in bed was unfortunate
also. You see, Zelda's idea of good sex is
brutality. She wants a man who will slap her
around, degrade and humiliate her and, quite
literally, bounce her off the walls.

Sorry, but that's not for me. I like to make love
with a woman, not war.

Sherry The Tragic: Sherry was a secretary
and a go-go dancer. Great body, a very pretty
face and a good sense of humor. Unfortunately,
she was also a "walking accident" looking for a
place to happen. She was always in court on
charges relating to neglecting her four-year-old
daughter and her ex-boyfriend was a Mafia hit
man (true) who wanted her back and was trying
to find her.

We had a very brief affair.

Karen The "Would-Be" Prostitute: A
gorgeous woman who, after our affair got going,
confessed to me she wanted to live her life as a
hooker. Then she informed me she wanted me
to be her first "John" and I should start paying her
for sex. When I refused, she decided I would be
her lord and master (pimp) and she would have
sex with other men and make them pay and then
give the money to me.

This also was a very brief affair.

Claudia The Actress: Sensational looks. A
real traffic stopper. I used her in a few full-page
ads and I created a perfume promotion based
around her. We started hanging out with each
other and I was the envy of all the men who saw
us together.

Except me. I wasn't envious of me at all.
Claudia had a terminal case of tunnel vision.
The only thing she could focus on whatsoever for
more than 10-seconds was her precious career.

She was deadly dull. I couldn't sustain
enough interest in her to even take her to bed.

I could go on and on. All of these examples
(except for the names) are true. They have not
been made up. In fact, they have been toned

And so far, I haven't even described what I
consider the worst category of women at all.

These are women who, in my opinion, might
actually be clinically crazy. You want to know
how I can tell? It's easy. You see, these are all
the women who do not have any of the
drawbacks that turn me off, and who, for some
inexplicable reason, are not interested in me.

Can you imagine that?

What do I want in a woman? Well, I've got a
pretty good idea but I am, I must admit, quite
flexible. However, I have a very clear idea of
what I don't want and it is here I am not flexible
at all. So let's start with that. Here then are...

7 Things Gary Does
NOT Want From A Woman!

#1. DEATH OR DISEASE: This is my number
one no-no. Listen, I've never had sex with a gay
man, a bi-sexual man, a transsexual man or any
kind of man at all. I hardly ever go near Santa
Monica Boulevard
and, when I do the only place

I ever stop is Barney's Beanery.

And, even then, I never eat quiche.

In other words, I'm straight. Also, I'm not a
hemophiliac. I've never had a blood transfusion.
I'm not a junkie and I never stick needles into my
body. I'm not promiscuous. I don't mess around
with prostitutes (I tried it years ago and it was
boring), and I've never even been close to Africa
or Haiti.

What this means, of course, is with any kind
of luck at all (knock on wood) I do not have
AIDS. Also, to my knowledge, I do not have any
other type of dreadful communicable disease
including syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis,
or even the bubonic plague.

If you can't say the same, please, please do
NOT respond to this ad.

#2. DRUG DRAMAS: Do you like to drink a
little or get a little high once in a while so you can
loosen up and party down? You do? Good! That
means you and I can have some fun. But
please... read that first sentence again. See
where it says "a little" and "every once in a while"?
Those words are important to me. Therefore, if
your idea of "a little" and "every once in a while" is
to get drunk or stoned every day, if the way you
like to use cocaine is by freebasing or injecting it,
if you gulp down Valium or Quaaludes by the
fistful, if you use PCP or heroin in any way,
shape or form, then I must, once again, ask you
to please NOT answer this ad.

sleeping in your car because your rent is six
months overdue? Is your ex-husband a hatchet
murderer who is trying to track you down and
who swears to mutilate any man who so much
as looks at you? Are you in desperate need of
fast money because your poor old mother needs
a kidney transplant in order to keep on living?

I'm sorry. I really am. But I'm just an ordinary
everyday nice guy. I'm not Superman or even
Lee Ioaccoa. I'm very compassionate and very
understanding but I have recently retired from
trying to save the world.

Therefore, I'm not qualified to save your life.
However, if you will let me, I might be able to
enhance it by adding to it some excitement and

#4. MARRIAGE: I've been married twice and,
both times it spoiled a great romance. I don't
want to get married again and I don't want to live
with you either. You see, at this point in my life, I
don't want to own a woman. I just want to enjoy

It would be nice if you decide to answer this
ad, if you already have some sort of life of your
own. I don't want to be your everything. I would
much rather be that special somebody you see
two or three times a week and who makes you
feel good.

Would that be OK?

Do you spend your evenings attending orgies at
the A-Frame? Do you have a lifetime
membership at Plato's? Do you refuse to call
yourself a prostitute even though you run a credit
check on every man you meet before you go to
bed with him? Do you have a time clock in your
panties and a cash register in your bra?

Sorry, we're not compatible.

You know, even though I've been married
and I've been around, I feel that by Southern
standards, I'm almost a virgin. For

example, someone told me recently Hugh
Hefner has been to bed with more than 3,000

Could that be true? I don't know but, if it is, he
is, in my opinion, a man to be pitied, not to be

I'll take quality over quantity any day.

by now you think I'm repressed, don't you? I bet
you think the hot throb of lust does not live in my
loins. I bet you think if you and Kelly LeBrock
showed up at my door with a suitcase full of
excitement from Trashy Lingerie (they're located
at 402 N. La Cienga and they've got the hottest
stuff in town!) and suggested we have a menage
a trois I would toss you both out on your ear and
report you to Jerry Falwell.

You are wrong. You are wrong. You are
wrong. You are wrong.

Fear not. I may be cautious but I'm not crazy.

Hark unto me. Listen. Just because I'm not
into freebasing, orgies and non-stop promiscuity
doesn't mean I'm dead. It's true I don't want a
woman who's been sleeping with everything in
pants. However on the other hand, if you are a
35-year-old virgin who thinks foreplay should be
1/2 hour of begging and "oral sex" is the name of
a disgusting new group of punk rockers then,
you may rest assured, our stars were simply not
meant to cross.

STAND PROSPERITY: Don't laugh. I lost the
love of my life because things got "too good."
Some people are into the struggle and not the

I'm into both. As you already know, I like to
work but work without reward is senseless. It
seems to me many women (and men) just insist
on filling up their lives with a lot of needless

Not me. I want the payoff along with the pain.

"If you don't want the good
And just want the bad,
Don't waste your time
By answering this ad!"

Good Lord, that was corny, wasn't it?

Well, anyway, that's my laundry list of what I
don't want and in fact, what I can't handle. Now
comes the hard part. I really feel awkward about
saying what I do want. I'm afraid if I get too
explicit it will seem like I'm an insensitive clod
ordering something from a Chinese menu.

On the other hand, if I don't set down some
guidelines, I'm afraid this ad will be answered by
many women with whom I would not be at all

So please, give me a break. I'm not nearly as
definite about what I am about to write as it will
appear in print. Remember, what I am about to
write is not etched in stone.

Anyway, here I go. My idea of a perfect
woman is someone who is intelligent and healthy
with a good sense of humor and someone who
will take my breath away when I see her in a
string bikini!

As far as age is concerned, if you are
somewhere between 25 and 35 that would be
just fine and, if you are a little younger or a little
older, that is probably no big deal.

I like women who take care of themselves. If
you have a slender, healthy body, a reasonably
slim waist, rather generous (natural) breasts
(God that sounds redneck, doesn't it?), a very
pretty face and a good sense of humor then
quite frankly, you sound like heaven to me!

So much for specifications.

And now if after all this, you are still
interested, what can you expect from me? Well,
the first word in the headline of this ad is
"Generous" and I am just that. However,
generous does not mean "chump." It also doesn't
mean I want to pay for sex. That's ridiculous.
Any man in L.A. who wants to pay for sex doesn't
have to write an ad, all he has to do is answer
one. Those ads are all over, even in the yellow

Here's what I mean by generous. I love to
buy presents for women. I like to take them to
movies and plays and I love to send flowers and
buy them jewelry and clothes and, if I really get
involved with a woman, I rather enjoy helping to
support her and helping her to elevate her

Also, I give great vacation. I love to travel for
long weekends (four days or so) to Acapulco,
Hawaii, Fort Lauderdale, the Bahamas, and so
on. I only fly first class and I try to always stay in
the best hotels and eat in the best restaurants.

Does any of this sound good to you? I hope
so. This is an honest ad. Every word is true and
although I've made a modest attempt to make it
entertaining, you should also know I am sincere.

Are you leery about answering a personal
ad? I don't blame you. I sure am. Before I
decided to write this ad I started reading other
"personal ads" and they scare the hell out of me.
I'm always afraid they are being written by
sexually sick people or real losers and
sometimes by people who are downright

I mean have you read those ads? They go
like this:

"Psychotic white woman wants to be sodomized
by 12 cuban truck drivers and a boa constrictor
while husband watches and salivates. Call 1-800-

Or like this:

"96-year-old lady with youthful outlook wants to
meet vegetarian non-smoker to discuss saving
the whales and other ecological concerns."


"Pleasingly plump 590 pound woman wants to
meet sincere fun loving man to care for her and
her lovely 18 children."

And so on.

I'm not like that. Really, I'm not. I promise. I'm
a reasonably normal healthy male who would
like to add a little excitement and romance to his
life with a reasonably normal, healthy female.

If you are at all interested or even curious,
please write and tell me about yourself and how
to get in touch with you and, also, please send a
recent full length photo.

Who knows. Maybe we'll click and maybe we
won't. But, at the very least, you won't be writing
to some sick psychotic and maybe, just maybe,
it will all turn out great.

Just write to:

Semi-Handsome Gary
1544 N. Curson Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Thank you for your support.